


Just Remember This

by DoctorsOrders



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorsOrders/pseuds/DoctorsOrders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dean has his "big gay freakout" about being in a relationship and runs out on a confused Castiel. Or Dean has feelings he doesn't know what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Remember This

It's two weeks after Dean has all but moved in with Castiel, on a lazy Saturday morning. Dean wakes slowly, letting the warmth of the sun soak his face. He drifts into consciousness and becomes aware of Castiel beside him; suddenly he is wide awake, a feeling of panic welling up in him and his mind reeling. 

What the hell was he doing here? Was he really sleeping with Castiel? What did that mean? What did that make him? Who was he to Castiel? Was he ready to be tied down? To live with another person who wasn’t his brother? Could he trust Castiel? Could he trust himself?

Dean shifts off the bed, jostling Castiel in the process, and begins shoving random bits of clothing into his duffle bag, running to the bathroom to grab his toothbrush. Castiel sits up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, watching Dean intently. 

“Dean?” Castiel questioned, voice gravely, “What’s wrong? Can I help?”

Dean’s head whipped around, a wild expression in his eyes, “No,” he inhales sharply as he trudges out of the room. 

Castiel climbs out of his bed, still clutching at a blanket, and follows him, “ _Dean_ ,” Castiel insists sharply, “At least tell me what’s going on,” he finishes quietly as he twists the blanket absentmindedly.

Dean is already pulling on his jacket and toeing into his shoes, somehow he’s managed to get dressed when Castiel hadn’t noticed. “Cas,” he suckes in a breath, shaking his head, “I can’t-- this is, it’s just...You’re not- _I’m_ not...” he trailes off before picking up his bag and grabbing the door handle. “This isn’t going to work,” he finishes, the words coming out flat even though panic is swirling through his body. 

Castiel stares, clad only in boxers, the blanket trailing behind him, making him look too young. He keeps his gaze fixed firmly on the man in the doorway, “Dean... _Why_?”

“I can’t Cas. I don’t want to be here. I just can’t do all of,” he waved his arms around the apartment wildly for a second, duffle swinging through the air, “THIS.”

Castiel’s fingers turn white as he clutches the blanket, he doesn’t turn away, but his eyes look through Dean now. “Okay,” he nods, “I understand.” 

Dean turns around and grabs at the door handle again, but before he can get out the door he hears Castiel continue, voice hollow, and Dean pauses, “If you change your mind, you know where I keep the--,” Dean opens the door the rest of the way and as he’s slipping out he hears, “--key,” but he ignores it in favor of shutting the door quickly. 

Castiel recoils as though the door has hit him before collecting the blanket in his arms, taking a deep breath and padding back to the bedroom to pull on sweats and a T-shirt. Castiel had known it wasn’t going to be easy. Getting into a relationship with someone who was still in denial about...Hell, about everything--his sexuality, his life plans--as Dean was, didn’t really have “easy” written on it. He’d known that from the beginning but there was something about Dean that made Castiel not care about those difficulties. 

‘You should have been ready for this,’ he mentally chastises himself, ‘You knew this was a very real possibility.’ 

He finds himself in the kitchen, pouring two mugs of coffee before he realizes what he’s doing. He avoids the second mug like it’s scaled him and slumps into a chair.

\--

Three days later, Dean is sitting at a Greyhound station, watching loads of people get on and off buses. 

Chuck had politely, and nervously asked him to leave this morning, which wasn’t an unreasonable request since Chuck has a dorm room and a girlfriend. Not to mention he hadn’t asked when Dean knocked on his door three days prior. He’d just said, “Hey man,” caught the look on his face, and stepped aside so Dean could enter, “sorry for the mess,” was the last he’d said about the matter. 

Dean doesn’t really even know what the fuck he’s doing here. Hell, he’s not even sure why he left Castiel’s apartment in the first place. He feels like an idiot. 

He’s finally had the “big gay freakout” Sam keeps asking if he’d experienced, every time they talk. So at least that’s over with, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling irremediably stupid.

He hadn’t been able to sort through all his issues until the Sunday. Which meant there was a whole day where different portions of Dean’s brain fought with each other and made sure he thought he was going to implode, but he’d gotten through it.

So what if he didn’t usually like dudes? He liked Cas, fuck, he might even _love_ Cas, hetero-normative society be damned. So what if he wanted a stable home, one he knew would be there when he got back? Clearly, he could live with someone who wasn’t Sam, he’d already been doing it for two weeks. And he trusted Castiel, damn he trusted him so much.  
The only one of the questions he’d asked himself Saturday morning that wasn’t completely useless was ‘Did he trust himself?’ Did he trust himself to what? Not fuck things up...Well clearly not, because that’s just what he had done. 

But when he’d finally realized he’d run out on Castiel like the biggest douchebag ever, it had been Sunday night. And it seemed even douchier to waltz back to the apartment, where Cas was no doubt, pissed or miserable. Then it was Monday morning, and he realized he hadn’t called, even to apologize for his douchy behavior, and he really felt stupid. Then another day had gone by and it was Tuesday afternoon, and here was sitting at this damn bus station holding a ticket that would take him to Sam’s school.

Dean knows Sam is going to be upset when he opens his door and finds out his older brother has managed to fuck up ‘first good thing Dean’s had in a long time.’ But he can’t even bring himself to call his brother and warn him. ‘I’m running away because I’m too scared of what Castiel will think of me if I go back,’ he can just hear himself saying those words to Sam over the phone he can almost hear the scowl in Sam’s voice as he responds and tells Dean he’s being a jerk. 

Then it hits him, he’s running away. Dean’s probably known that he was running all along, but its taken him until now to process it.  
Castiel _told_ him to come back, but the tone he’d used makes Dean think he said it out of obligation rather than actually meaning it. 

Dean has too many thoughts and, against his better judgement, calls Sam.  After several minutes of explaining and shouting over Sam’s horrified sighs, Sam responds, “Dean, Cas doesn’t do anything ‘out of obligation’ you should know that by now,” he sounds exasperated. 

“Yeah, but--” Dean starts.

“Dude, no, you’re being so whiny about this, _go back_ , he TOLD you to for god’s sake,” Sam says again, “don’t let your stupid ego get in the way.” Dean huffs. “Plus, I’m not letting you in my building if you show up here,” Dean laughs at that, “I’m not kidding dude, you’re my brother, but I am not aiding in your hiding, I care about you too much.” 

“Sammy, this is just so...” Dean trails off.

“I know Dean, you’re bad at feelings, now go make up with your boyfriend,” Sam orders before the call ends. 

\--

Dean is standing outside Castiel’s door, spare key in his hand--true to his word, Castiel hasn’t moved it--heart beating out of his chest, perfectly still, like he has been for the last ten minutes.  
‘It’s just a damn key. You will not be ruined by one damn key,” Dean tries to calm himself down, it’s not really working. 

Finally, after five more long minutes of staring at the door, puts the key in the lock, tries to turn it, and finds it’s already unlocked. He pushes the door open and steps into the apartment, it feels like home and purgatory at the same time.

There’s the soft hum of talk radio buzzing through the apartment, the lights are soft and golden like always and it smells delicious. Dean doesn’t say anything but makes his way to the kitchen, and sees Castiel working over the half wall, spooning vegetables and pork and potatoes on to a plate. 

His eyes flick up as Dean stares him down. His face breaks into one of it’s comfortable smiles, “Hey, how was your day? Do you want dinner?”

“Cas-” Dean starts, completely unnerved by Castiel’s acknowledgement. “What are you--”

“Yes or no on the dinner? I’m not standing here all night,” Castiel cuts him off with another smile. 

Dean cannot even deal with this, he’s used to being the one who avoids talking about his feelings, he needs Cas to yell at him, or at least stop smiling at him like he’s done nothing wrong when he’s been such an asshole. Dean crosses the threshold of the kitchen, taking Castiel’s wrists in his hands, “Cas please, I’m trying to make...to--,” he falters, saying the word ‘apologize’ feels stupid, “I’m so fucking sorry Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I don’t know where I thought I was going, but I want to stay with you, I want to come home.”

Castiel looks away from Dean, “I told you the door was always open.”

“How did you know I was going to come back? Why did you let me leave Cas? Fuck, please, you have to understand how sorry I am,” Dean reiterates, trying to make Castiel understand how sorry he is by the sheer volume of the times he says it. 

“I did not know you were going to come back, but the alternative was not something I was willing to consider,” and then after a moment,”You have no idea how empty this place has felt without you,” Castiel stops, looking back to Dean, “I left the door unlocked in case you forgot where I kept the key...”

“Shit, Cas...” Dean grips Castiel’s wrist tighter, “Anything could have happened to you.”

“Nothing could hurt me more than you leaving,” Castiel says so quietly Dean isn’t sure if he’s imagined it. Dean feels like he’s been hit with a sledgehammer.

“Dean,” Castiel starts, taking his wrists out of Dean’s grip, brushing his fingers over Dean’s before sliding them together, he takes a step closer, “I would really appreciate it, if we didn’t discuss the matter further, and if you would stay with me.”

Dean wants to laugh or scream, he feels like he’s two seconds away from falling apart, “Oh God, Cas, all I want to do is stay,” he says instead, barely holding himself together.

“Thank you,” Castiel says leaning into him, before he tilts up and captures Dean’s lips with his own. Dean kisses back, breathing in Castiel, and even though he’s falling apart he’s never felt more whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Stole the title from "If You Ever Come Back" by The Script  
> The song definitely inspired this. 
> 
> This was supposed to be drabble, but then it ran away and I had to keep writing it.  
> Originally I posted this on my livejournal, last year or so, but I don't ever use LJ anymore so I moved it over here.


End file.
